i don’t know anymore

It has been about a month since my therapy blew up in my face.

Of course, my head has been all over the place and my thoughts have ranged from acute suicidality to intense hatred and hope for revenge. I’m not very nice.

On nearly an hourly, now daily basis i have wished “suffering and pain” on my former T. Progress, i guess.

My T wanted out and once i was aware of this fact, i terminated our business together. But i have been struggling to understand what happened. Like too much of my life, bad things happen to me and no one explains it to me. I am left to figure it out by myself. And i can’t tell if i am right or wrong and the people who know the truth are not talking to me.

When she told me that she felt like she had been arguing with an addict twice a week, i translated that into “you are wasting my time, my valuable time”. I even believed for a while that i must have reminded her of her dead sister and that said sister must have had a drug problem since that seemed to be her area of disgust with me.

Recently i read a post on Quora where someone explained her belief that many therapists do not want a client who does not take psych. meds or sees a shrink. The reasoning is that the therapist does not want to be the clinician seeing/being responsible for a sick person all by themselves. They want an M.D. or N.P. to share in the blame if something goes wrong. They want a higher up to share in the liability of a treatment failure.

This makes sense to me as my T said ” i want you to see a psychiatrist and start back on medication.” The bottom line is – i feel judged and rejected by her. I had asked her months ago if she would terminate if i did not take meds. and she told me she would not. So, true to her word, she did not terminate. She triggered my abandonment spiral instead, something she has seen before and knew that i would leave the relationship thereby preserving her good name and freeing her of any liability.

I thought communication was one of a t’s strengths, so why didn’t she just tell me what was bothering her? She told me once that i didn’t have to take care of her, but she was lying – because this was about what she wanted and needed, not me.

One positive – last night i realized – with a huge sense of relief – that i am now safe from the horrible experience of having another county sheriff at my door with an emergency psych eval. warrant. It is a terrifying thing to go through. Therapy – never again. I am keeping my mouth shut from now on. Doc.

Toward the light ?

So. It’s March tomorrow and i think, for the most part, that i am starting to reliably crawl upward toward the warm light away from this winter’s depression. This is the second winter in a row that i have been badly depressed or in a mixed place and now that i can remember, i have also been hospitalized at least twice during the holidays, so i think i can add SAD to my fucking list of letters.

I appear to be in the phase where i am at least considering dealing with some of the things i put the brakes on in October. Like – finding a contractor for my kitchen remodel; seriously practicing my guitar every, single day; and addressing some of my physical issues. In October a screening mammogram was abnormal and additional tests were suggested, but b/c i couldn’t care less then i could not get around to scheduling that test.

My left shoulder has been bothering me for a while and after a steroid shot and a few rounds of PT left the problem unchanged, now i will image it with an MRI and decide what to do next. I think it is likely a rotator cuff injury/degeneration along with “some arthritis” as seen on plain radiographs. Kinda weirdly and surprisingly, i was honest about my bipolar dx with the ortho. guy when we met a few months ago and the other day at a recheck appt. he expressed concerns about my mood and how it might impact any future surgery. He also hugged me when he came into the exam room and no MD has ever done that. Nice but ?? (why) Anyway, he seemed to be suggesting that he would be happier (for me primarily, i presume) if i was in therapy +/or on meds while dealing with my shoulder. So far, he hasn’t made any specific demands in that direction but i can feel something brewing. Oh, and as he moved on to his next appt. he looked at me and said “i care about you”. ???? okay….but why…

Now, i am not interested in any more drug therapy but i will consider trying talk therapy again.

I have scheduled the followup breast exam and the MRI. I have tried to find a new therapist but so far, no one is taking on new clients – lots of crazy in this part of the world, it seems – suburbs of D.C.

Another sign my mood is changing is the fact that i have been shopping on-line lately. All necessary stuff, of course. Linens for the guest bed – my backup dog sitter will stay in my house overnight!! to care for Blue if i’m not here; a bunch of music – OK, i’m digging the blues right now; kitchen stuff etc. I have also been bidding and occasionally winning at the on-line auction house near me. Got a beautiful set of stained glass windows last week, but i will need to avoid overspending. Luckily, “excessive” spending isn’t a big problem for me. (Hope that doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.)

To be honest, a bigger problem for me is the loss of support from my sister and b-i-l. We are still not talking to each other. I have tried not to put “words in their mouths” in my head, but it feels obvious that they are indifferent to me, don’t want to know me, and place the blame for the current badness fully on me. That intense feeling of sad abandonment has less bite than it did a month ago, but it is only slowly abating.

I realized that i had to put in place other resources like a sitter for Blue and transportation when i can’t drive. DONE.

Last spring we had a similar rupture in our relationship. I had to apologize for “ignoring” my b-i-l and “hurting his feelings” before it could end. Looking back, i see how very supportive they have been in the past – taking in Blue, driving me to and from psych hospitalizations, and visiting me in the hospital. I hope i thanked them adequately for all that but perhaps i didn’t. Maybe that is partially behind them turning their backs on me this last episode.

Trouble is, i am stubborn and i don’t feel like doing this again. I am not going to apologize this time. I don’t think i did all the wrong. But, i will admit that losing my sister hurts, bad. Doc

3/1/19 update : a therapist responded to my request for an appt. I will meet her next week and we will see what happens.

is it over?

Well.

Still struggling to emerge from my latest depressive/mixed episode without too much lasting damage. But as i wrote that, i realized that even if i haven’t lost a limb, my dwindling fortune, or a favorite lover i have lost more time. Months this time. Maybe family.

I’m still learning the bipolar ropes. Despite having existed for 62 years, i just recently acknowledged and started experiencing the clearly identifiable signs of BP. I think there is also a little GAD, OCD, and SAD snaking through.

This time around i’m seeing my life and my expectations of myself and others in a different way than i have in the past. I do not think i have shown my sister and b-i-l the gratitude i should have for their support-taking Blue into their home for weeks, texting to see if i was still alive if i didn’t show up on the farm, or managing my disability acct. and paying the bills for me. (A sore spot of contention for me but i’m afraid to tell the gov’t. i am perfectly capable of doing it myself for fear of losing it – “she must be well”).

The problem this time around – when i ‘noticed and understood’ my mounting anger/rage (for entirely legitimate reasons i may add), i quickly withdrew into myself. I know from experience that i get shouty and surly and slam doors a lot when slipping into that state between hating myself and hating the world and everyone in it – especially men this time – sorry. My sister once told me that my anger scares her. So sorry.

Anyway, this time she asked me – the last time we spoke – in December- if i got angry first, then depressed or the other way around? I told her as i slammed the truck door – “angry first”. The next time we communicated was probably 10 days later when she texted to see if i was coming for Christmas the next day. I told her of course not and she replied with the classic ‘thoughts and prayers’ kinda response – “hope you feel better”. So, because i’m a bitch and i was feeling extremely abandoned -the holidays SUCK- i texted that her “support over the past week or so had felt like nothing”. Sister said she didn’t know how to respond to this. I had hoped my comment would get her to at least consider whether she had been supporting me when i firmly believed she knew i was suffering again. Radio silence ensued and has continued to today.

B-i-l texted my name 3 times in a row and called once early on but i COULD not respond in a civil manner and he got mad (again) and texted me an emoji giving me the finger. Again radio silence.

Well, that was 2 months ago. I have been through several iterations of: ‘if that’s how you guys want it, then fine’ and ‘i don’t need your fucking help anyway’ (but i might), and ‘i thought that’s what family is about’. Poor me.

Here’s where i am now – 1. i have not shown my gratitude for time spent, calls made, visits to psych. units, supplies bought and everything else my sister and b-i-l have done for me, 2. i have to change my sense of entitlement – i will get support only if someone wants to give it, 3. i must be able to support myself completely, 4. i must stop feeling sorry for myself, 5. i , will not inflict myself on others, if BP is meant to kill me, so be it.

I felt such crushing despair as time passed, i struggled, and no one bothered to see how i was; i don’t want to feel that again. I have made arrangements for a pet sitter for Blue so that i don’t have to ask family to care for her if i get locked up again. I have contacted a senior ride service for transport to and from the local hospital for an upcoming surgery so i don’t have to ask my sister. I will thank the people in my life for all the little things they do and try not to become beholden to anyone.

I have read some reasonable people’s blogs where they recommend telling your family what they can do to help or explaining your issues to them but i am stuck believing that if they cared they would ask. I am not going to force myself on anyone. The main ‘message’ i get from their silence is “fix your shit, we don’t care about the details, and we don’t want you in our lives unless you do.”

So, i guess this isn’t over yet. Doc