I hate therapy and I hate my therapist right now. After last Friday’s “session” I was adamant that I WOULD NOT be going back. Now, 2 days later, I feel the beginnings of doubt. **Maybe I AM the one at fault here. Maybe he’s doing a good job and I just don’t get it, can’t see it**. I’ve been going to see this fellow for about three years now and for about 3 or 4 months feel like he isn’t trying or is bored or frustrated with me. I told him before and on Friday that I feel much worse after our meetings. I think he said “really?” Not why or explain yourself.
Anyway, for the past couple of months my depression has gotten worse, I’m barely functioning – by which I mean – I eat and drink daily, I get out of bed regularly to smoke a cig., I bring in the newspaper daily from the driveway (they’re in a pile on the guest bed), and I leave the house once a week to go to therapy. Any other ADL* is not my ADL. Sleeping, something I once enjoyed, is a daily problem. I can’t get to sleep before midnight or later and then I wake up every 30 to 90 mins. until I finally give up and haul my ass out of bed to sit in a mildly agitated stupor on the steps for a smoke. I hide from the neighbors and my family. I don’t turn my phone on some days and then feel unsupported and abandoned when I deign to turn it on and there are no voicemails or missed calls.
I’ve told my T this. I’ve told him I’m lost. I’ve told him I don’t know what I might do and that I’m afraid of what I’m capable of. Two weeks ago his parting words were “I hope you feel better”, two days ago – “Have a nice week.” Am I expecting too much from him? If he can’t help me, who can? I don’t know who to ask.
This past week he said something like “Are you ready to _____ (something I missed) the sleeping giant?” My porous brain leaked out a weak “uh huh” and I waited for him to proceed figuring I’d catch on as he talked. But he didn’t talk. He sat there and looked at me expectantly. I suppose a reasonable person (obviously, not me) would have asked him what he meant by sleeping giant. But, I didn’t and I’ve spent the last 48 hours trying to figure out what it means.
I’m one of those people that reviews and dissects any conversation I’ve had – I guess for hidden meanings or insights I might have missed at the time. I also have elaborate conversations with the future. ** If they say this, ‘ll say that**. And I try to anticipate any twists and diversions that may happen.. Of course, I never get it right, but I do get a sense of pleasure if I get to use one of my carefully constructed responses.
I’m thinking I might have to go back next Friday just to find out WTF he was talking about. But then again, I may just go to ask him for a referral to another type of therapist (does she have the balls?) I think I need a more interactive, therapist-directed therapy. I will sit or pace silently sometimes waiting for him to ask or say something because my mind is empty.
In the meantime, today I decided to start Zoloft again. This was the last AD I was given when inpatient last spring. I never could tell if it made any difference or if the ECT was the reason I was deemed better and allowed home. Frankly, I just need a little break from all of this and would welcome with open arms any hypomania it wants to send my way. I have so much shit that needs doing, plus I need a little happy.
*ADL=activity of daily living