thank you blue and brain….

Oh my god, oh my god….

Earlier, Blue was sniffing around the woodpile on my carport, which she often does when hunting blue-tailed skinks. This time, however, she was unusually jumpy and not as vocal. And for good reason, because as the next door neighbor kids i hired to move the wood got into the pile a bit, we all heard the telltale sound of a snake shaking it’s tail in the leaves as a warning.

Turns out there were two juvenile copperheads in the pile of wood and accumulated leaves!!!!! Both about a foot and a half long and quite capable of delivering a dangerous bite. Poor things. They tried to warn us off, but both lost their heads in the end.

Because i do shit like this, when their heads were safely detached from their body i used a stick to open one’s mouth and check out the fangs. So cool. The fangs were about a half inch long, which seemed long but i guess they have to be long enough to get through fur and skin. By this time, Blue was going apeshit in the kitchen, so i let her out and gave her a body to do what dogs do with snakes. She’s been “playing” with it for about an hour now. “STFU with the barking Blue, i know about the snake – i gave it to you”.

I cleared away all the leaves and empty sunflower seed shells (i get why the snakes were there) and the kids re-piled the wood and i’ve stopped shaking and sweating.

So, thank you Blue for not giving up and for acting different enough for me to notice and thank you brain for not blowing off her anomalous behavior.


PS: while all the snake business was unfolding, i got a text from my sister telling me that my reminder for next weeks’ psych. appt was called to my father, my childhood abuser. WTF? So much for HIPPA and their rules. According to the office supervisor, she offered that “they must have taken his number from hospital paperwork ( from YEARS before ). I am freaking pissed off. I’m serial.


I’ve never been robbed before

I’m shaking all over and trying not to cry but i want to. This morning when i checked my wallet to make sure i had cash to tip my hairdresser, i found my wallet empty. I had about $70.00 in there.

I immediately went upstairs to check the contents of my lock box – where i keep emergency cash and an important selection of medication – you know, in case of the zombie (or trump ) apocalypse. Approx. $700.00 AND some leftover hydrocodone was missing!!!! It appears my stash of antibiotics, steroids , psych meds etc. are untouched but when i am calmer i will check more closely.

For the past 5 weeks, i have had several young men in my house working to repair old, peeling drywall in preparation for painting (and other fabulous ideas i have). I generally – despite what my T says/thinks – trust people. Until they fuck me over and then it is SO over.

I have tried to think clearly and not leap to accusations but i find i can neither offer an alternative nor believe that anyone but one of these people have stolen from me.

I’ve contacted and now spoken to the owner of the business, who has come and removed the young man that was working this morning.
The owner’s stated plan is to discharge the kid that’s here and try to ascertain who is responsible. According to him, there could be someone else ( who has also been in my house ) involved.

1:45pm update – I just got a call from the kid (j) who was here today and he confessed to stealing the cash and taking the narcotics – which he claims he sold. He says he robbed me weeks ago which pissed me off further b/c how dare he steal from me and then show up here day in and day out like nothing happened. I am so mad right now. I told j that i hope he realizes he will be spending time in jail for this – but i’m bluffing, i’m just trying to scare the shit out of him and make him think. I’m not trying to make this worse or ruin his chances at turning this around, but i don’t want to hear any lip about how sorry he is and how ashamed he is of himself.

What’s bothering me also is how or even DO i proceed with this company?

3:20pm update – I have met with the owner again. He seems sincere and as upset as i feel. He has offered to bring in an older, more experienced drywaller to finish the job, if i agree to continue doing business with his company. I have agreed to let them finish the job. I was going to hire this handyman company to go onto the painting, the installation of my new hardwood floors, and the bathroom remodels BUT now, i need time to think.
PS: o yeah, the owner also has 48 hours to pay me back the money that was stolen ( i uped the amount by $300.00 for pain and suffering – mine) and have asked him not to tell j that his arrest is not pending. I think a little worried squirming will do the boy good.


i could have poisoned him

Not that i would.  Maybe i’m just a little paranoid at the moment.  Not that i believe someone is going to poison me but i’m just a little more aware of “possibilities” today.

The “him” i reference is one of the young men currently working day after day in my house doing drywall repair. ( I just had to angle the laptop screen so that he can’t see what i’m writing. )    I think i’m just growing tired of the constant presence of people in  my space.  All of which i initiated, of course.  They didn’t descend on me uninvited.   Still, i am more than ready for it to be over.

The young worker took yesterday off because of shoulder pain.  Another delay.  So, when he arrived at the house this morning i asked if he had taken anything for the pain.  He told me no, he didn’t have anything to take.  “Here, take this naproxen” and he promptly swallowed it.

Obviously, he trusts me.  But, for some reason, i fantasized about how easy it would have been to deceive him and slip him a fatal potion.

I need to find something else to do.


my new provider – maybe

I waited 9 weeks for an appt. with my first ever psychiatric nurse practitioner. I have a soft spot for nurses – used to be one – but she is associated with the SOB psychiatrist i came to despise while inpt. locally a few years ago. However, my T assured me, when he suggested the NP, that the SOB only sees pts. in the next county over. (If you’re wrong i will kill you, David.)

I decided to try someone else after finally seeing that my pdoc of 5 years was really not trying anymore (or maybe that is me). At any rate, at my last visit with him when i was clearly manic, he told me to call if i wanted some seroquel otherwise come back in 3 months. I’m fairly new to the notion of bipolarity but from reading the blogs of sufferers it seems that most folks DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT when they feel mania approaching or find it in residence.

The visit went well, she called me by my preferred name (not my official name which i’ve always hated and try to pretend i can’t hear), and she took her time to get to know me and i wasn’t a complete lunatic – OK, maybe just a little but hey look at where i was.

I rated myself a 12 on the 0(fatally depressed) to 20(fatally manic) scale with 10 being ‘normal’. We reviewed my arms – length list of previously tried meds. and she suggested i start aripiprazole again as a “mood stabilizer’ because ‘what goes up, must come down’. I’ve heard that somewhere.

BUT…. aripiprazole is an AT antipsychotic, not really a mood stabilizer in the strict sense and i’m feeling lied to. Lying to me is so very much a deal breaker. This drug has anti-manic properties and honestly i’m quite enjoying my hypomania after being crippled so long by depression. I don’t want it to end yet (ever).

Maybe i don’t understand. Does medicating to prevent depression have to mean eradicating the mania, even if it is mild and desirable? Maybe the dosage is the key to the desired effect of antidepressant. Maybe at my dosage my mania will be untouched.

For now, i will take it. This fucking med costs almost $900.00 for a 1 month supply and thankfully Medicare covered all but $88.00. But, sadly, if i come to believe that my PNP is trying to lie to me again, i will have to runn oft – homage to O’ Brother, where art thou?


PS : I asked her if she would prescribe medical marijuana for me and sadly she cited her experiences with “young people who became psychotic after smoking pot” and said no. Damn. I will have to keep looking.