West Virginia

My sister-in-law just called and invited me up to West Virginia to go to the county fair and see Charlie Daniels play.  I himmed and hawed and then said yea, i’ll come up.  It’s on July 30th. 

Another reason i’m going is because my brother wants me to spend a night with him in a “spooky” house he’s bought.  His wife refuses to go into the place.  She won’t say it’s haunted, but she won’t go near it.  Should be interesting.  We’ll both be stoned and drinking.  There’s no electricity at the moment and the house stands empty.  I don’t believe in spirits.  I’ll bet we find some critter living inside making ghostly noises and giving off living vibes.

I’m going to take them up a bushel of blue crabs.  They are both insanely fond of them.  When they visit my mom in tidal Virginia, they ALWAYS put out the crab pots and catch as many as they can and take them back home.  I like them on occasion.  Just have to be in the right mood.

My therapist announced this week that he’s “taking a break” next week to go and bake in the hot, arid desert somewhere.  Did he think if he used the word vacation that I would begrudge him time off?  Everybody needs time off.  Gives me time to pop off to WV.



Lynyrd Skynyrd

Last Sunday my brother, sister-in-law, her sister and I went to a Lynyrd Skynyrd/Bad Co. concert in Virginia.  I had seen LS last year and enjoyed it.  So, when my brother announced he had bought us all tickets I  forced myself to be upbeat, interested and go along for the ride.  In the end, I had a good time.  Scott and I started early by drinking shots of dark, spiced rum and smoking pot.  When we got to the outdoor arena, he and I snuck off to hide between two parked and empty pickup trucks and cautiously each took a couple more hits.  By the time they opened the gates, he was holding onto me and telling me “don’t let go of me, don’t let go of me”.  So, together we sort of glided into the seating area.  It was hot as fuck, so all that touching and body contact did not go over great.   I don’t especially dislike touching but not when i am HOT and sweaty and fucked up.  Anyway, we almost made it to our seats when he let go of my arm, started leaning to his right, then listing to the right, then falling onto a table of event staff who, quite rightly, jumped up with exclamations of “WTF?!”  Somehow I managed to get him up and moving before they could decide to throw us both out.  We got a couple of cold beers (yes, I know) and found our seats. 

I wasn’t overly interested in Bad Co. because I didn’t think I knew many of their songs.  I’ve never bought any CDs or albums.  But when they started playing, I found myself singing along and saying “I didn’t know this was a Bad Co. tune.” 

Lynyrd Skynyrd was good, everyone was singing and dancing.  Scott and I snuck off for some fried Oreos, people gazing – with accompanying caustic comments- and more cold beer.  In the end, we made it home, ate some Chinese food and crashed on our air mattresses.

Another important reason for brothers’ visit was to bring me more, better pot.  I had recently bought some, but it turned out to be low in THC and I found that I was having difficulty managing my “symptoms”.  My shrink has asked me a couple of times – “what does pot do for you?”.

Sometimes I just like getting really stoned and floating away.  Sometimes it helps me to finally fall asleep.  When Wolf is really loud or persistent or my head is moving too fast it helps to shut him up and slow my thoughts.  A modest dose lessens my anxiety and can improve my mood from shitty to not so bad.  My therapist recently, abstractedly suggested I consider growing my own to ensure I always have some and that the quality is good.  I’ve started researching indoor cannabis cultivation.  Doesn’t look too hard.   I mean, I can grow African violets. I live alone in a 4 bedroom house and can spare the room.  The biggest problem I foresee is how to block out the light from the grow lights so the neighbors and cops don’t wonder why the lights are always on (suddenly) in that room.   I can select from a wide variety of cannabis seeds online and have decided to try one of the “medical marijuana” strains.  We’ll see where this leads.

One of the bloggers I follow is The Quiet Borderline.  Recently, she has been having extreme difficulty getting any “help” that actually helps.   She has described anxiety, inappetance, insomnia, restlessness and depression.  Hey, I thought – pot might just be the thing to try. As she is locked up, the problem is how to access some.  Perhaps a friend or family member could bring her some “enhanced” baked goods.  I thought of sharing this with her, but then i  thought that someone would say “she’s just a pothead  and she’s full of shit”.  But I don’t think so.  I’ve been smoking for at least 40 years off and on (more on lately) and I feel pretty confidant about my expectations.  

I don’t know anything about the status of medical marijuana in the U.K. Here in the U.S. progress is slowly being made and as someone who does what I think best i’m waiting for the legal and medical communities to catch up to what many suffering people already know. It’s not just about getting high, it’s about feeling better and managing our lives with a natural plant product with few, if any side effects.  You can’t overdose on pot.  I may still make the suggestion to TQB and not give a fuck what others believe.

When I was hospitalized in Feb. they started me on yet more new drugs and zapped me with more ECT.  Meds: Saphris (antipsychotic), Lithium (mood stabilizer – I’ve had this before), nortryptyline (tricyclic antidepressant) and trazodone (antidepressant/sleep aid).  Did this make me feel better?  I don’t think so.  I was twitching badly from the lithium and didn’t feel any less depressed.  I stopped taking the antipsychotic immediately upon discharge because, as I told my shrink -“I’d rather know what Wolf (my voice) is thinking than not”.   So… I have slowly weaned myself off the other meds.  I can’t tell my family because my sister told me if I stopped my meds again that she would hit me.  I have told my therapist the truth (and sworn him to silence).  My 8 week appt. with my shrink is next week and I will have to lie to him.  I’m  trying to prove (to me mostly) that there is nothing wrong with me.  I believe that on a fundamental level that I have simply changed from the person I used to be.  I’m not “sick”. 

On of the side effects of ECT is short term memory loss.  I do not remember the first three weeks of my hospitalization.  When I “woke up” I had a nurse with me 1:1 until the minute I was discharged out the door.  I have no idea why.  So, I have requested my medical records so I can figure out what went on during the period I can’t remember.

Yesterday, my therapist started our session with the usual amenities then said “I’m worried about you.  You’re not sleeping well, you’re not taking your meds and I think you may need to be in the hospital”.  Yes, i’m not sleeping well right now and i’m not taking my meds.  But, i’m still detoxing from them and expect to feel better shortly.  I think he’s just panicing. Time will tell.  I’m not going back to the hospital.




ty ut     

Howdy, Folks.

It is now July, 2013. I believe the last time i wrote anything here was August, 2012. Hmmm. What have i been up to?
This reminds me of the question i always get from my therapist. “How was your week?”
Me: “The same.” Really.
Him: “OK.”
I honestly cannot remember what I’ve been doing for the days, weeks, and months stretching back to last summer. I believe I can’t remember because I haven’t been doing much of anything. Still unemployed (my fault, not trying), still spending my days inside the house – venturing out for groceries, gas, or shit like that, still bored etc. etc. Blah. Blah.

I have my moments. I was able to pull it together and act like a human during a stint of house/dog sitting for my sister recently. She has 2 dogs: Daisy – a 40 pound boxer/pit bull mix- very sweet and Rocky – a 145 pound great dane – also sweet. But, he’s just too much dog.
He blocks out the light and seems to have always just had a drink. He takes up most of the couch.

I’m trying to teach myself bluegrass guitar. Of course, I SUCK. But I did learn the Carter strum yesterday.

I’m going to a Lynard Skynard concert in 5 days with my brother, his wife, and her sister encouraged by substantial amounts of alcohol and pot. Should be fun.

My therapist told me last week that it was the first time in a year that I’ve uttered the “F” word. Fun. What does he know – I say it all the time. No, wait – that’s fuck.

I was also delighted to discover the return of Dotty Headbanger (au pair). She had been gone so long.

Well, we’ll see how long I last at blogging this time. Just wanted to say hi.