I am a little less insane at the moment than i have been and i thought i would try to write it down so that when(if) i meet with my counselor again i can remember the salient points that exacerbated my insanity. (it’s all her fault)
I’m using the word “rupture” which is obvious psychobabble but this is the word my C uses when we have had major negative issues in our “relationship”. I am aware that many of my reactions to life straddle the reasonable/unreasonable – you crazy bitch divide.
I did not attend either of my 2x week sessions this week mainly b/c i was too sad and mad and knew i could not deal with her at the moment. If i had tried i know i would have degenerated into a sobbing, inarticulate idiot and could have, quite easily, ended our collaboration in anger.
During my self-induced cooling off period, i definitely considered quitting therapy all together, again. Got pulled in many different directions trying to sort it out.
OK. Basically – at the end of our last session as i was headed out the door, with her next client waiting in a nearby chair, i remembered we did not set our meeting times for next week. Times vary week to week. I said ‘oh, what about next week ?” and she told me she would text me with the times. Cool, no problem.
This was on a friday. I did not expect her to text me right away. But….when i heard nothing by the following monday (our usual schedule was weds. and fri.) doubt started creeping in. I could feel myself getting depressed all day monday, it got worse and worse tuesday and by weds. morning i was in bad shape.
Unfortunately, for everyone involved, about a week earlier i had agreed to donate blood at a Red Cross event. I should have cancelled but they basically begged donors to give due to shortages. At the VFW tuesday evening i could barely contain my sadness which morphed into anger b/c (as usual) they were running majorly behind schedule. The intake interviewer noted my “mood” and they kept asking me if i was ok throughout the donation in that “are you OK?” kind of voice that screams “lunatic in attendance, watch yourself”. But i did stay and donated a double red but i have a feeling this will be my last donation.
By weds morning with no word from M, i reached a LOW low and knew i could not face her yet and i decided (since i did not have an appt.) to just not show up or text my intention. I wanted her to wonder. I also knew from past experience that she could not EP me simply b/c i failed to turn up. HA! Fear is gone.
She called and texted me around 12:30pm stating “I was expecting you for a 12 noon appt., please respond and tell me where you are.” Ah, no. Fat chance. On thursday i texted her that i would not be in and did she have anything for the following week? She has offered an appt next weds. but i have not replied yet. Trying to spread the fear and uncertainty around.
I am very conflicted and ambivalent at the moment. Logically (ha!) i believe she simply forgot. But, in my twisted, forever damaged brain I FELT forgotten and unimportant. I decided i did not feel abandoned by her b/c that is an active process and this isn’t. Just not important.
I entertained the idea (and still do) that this is/was intentional on her part as some kind of therapeutic lesson and that pissed me off. Another reason not to engage and try to “address this rupture in our relationship” is b/c that’s what she wants me to do. At the same time, i am not quite ready to turn her loose and quit therapy b/c despite all the negative things that have happened between us, she is someone who i believed might be different from past t’s and might actually help me.
Today, friday, i need to text back and tell her if next weds at 1p is ok or not. I think i will go. I think i may be able to have a civilized conversation with her by then that does not end with me uncommunicative and crying. But i am making her wait b/c i am a bitch and she hurt me very badly. Such an emotionally dysregulated baby.
Another contributing factor is over a year ago after an appt with my psych NP the receptionist told me she would check with my NP to see when she wanted me to return and she would call me. Never happened, i felt ignored and forgotten, and it was about 8 months before i could go back. So, no meds for over 8 months – supposedly not a good idea with bipolar.
Another issue- i have been having chest pain/discomfort about a month along with accompanying shortness of breath. I told my psych NP about it last week b/c i believe the Wellbutrin i am taking is the reason i am newly hypertensive and this may be contributing to my chest pain. It can last several hours. Yesterday, i tried aspirin and clonazepam b/c i don’t know if my chest pain is a somatic symptom of my depression and anxiety(clonazepam) or angina(aspirin’s anti-platelet effects). I have an appt. with my PCP NP next thursday to discuss.
Life is fun. Doc