Crazy is…

…** ***** ****, right? I wasn’t going to write this down, but WTF it’s my blog.

My therapist D is pretty special. He has been ill recently and on Tuesday had an umbilical hernia repaired with a mesh implant. Despite this, he was there at his office waiting for me when our Friday morning session time arrived. “Your voice sounds funny.” He then told me about his week. “Your eyes look different.” At the end of our appt. he headed south, towards home instead of north, to the hospital as usual.. I think he came in just for me. Sweet.

He told me that he still had not heard from Dr. A.(and he isn’t going to.) I e-mailed Dr.R., the director of the ECT dept. with a question about the safe interval for ECT treatments and he has not replied either. No matter. I’ve gone off the idea anyway. I told D “it doesn’t matter anyway.”

But, his eyes do look different. Almost canine. Dark and unsure.

I admitted to feeling scared. “Scared of what?” My mind splintered, thoughts trickling down little holes. Death, but not dying, life, I don’t know. All I could come up with was “the unknown.” (Can you be considered suicidal if your plans are for 10 weeks in the future?)

By now, I was pacing back and forth in his tiny office. Quiet minutes passed. Then he asked “have any of your doctors ever suggested that you might have Bipolar disorder?” No. “Do you think you could be bipolar?”
“Well, I’ve never been manic. Besides, I’ve been given the same meds. used to treat bipolar and I never felt any better.” We then went through my list of meds., my proof. This morning I went through old records and discarded bottles and found out that in the last 4 years I’ve taken either singly or in combination:
So there.
Then he asked me what I was thinking as I was pacing. “Sometimes I’m counting (steps), sometimes I’m just listening. Do you know how many steps are in this office? Six.”

He asked me if I had ever heard of John Nash. D said Mr. Nash had bipolar disorder, not schizophrenia, but I don’t remember if he made any actual point. In fact there is a fair bit of our session that I don’t remember, as usual. Maybe i’ll research John Nash and bipolar disorder today. In the end, what difference does it make. It all ends the same.

D – “Any cutting?” Yes.
“Daily?’ No.

Still, his eyes look different to me.

At some point he told me he has been trying to understand how I feel, how it feels to be me. He also told me that he isn’t “giving up” on me. Uh huh. But who was really talking? D or Wolf? My greatest fear is that somehow I will transfer or infect others with my demon. That once I’m gone, used up – he will move on/move into someone else. But, FFS, not D. He has a wife and two little girls. But I could SEE him in there, waiting.

As I was leaving, I told him “I have to tell you. I know what is going on. Just don’t do it.” He looked confused, but I couldn’t tell him what I’ve seen (I wasn’t talking to D anyway). He doesn’t know and I don’t want to scare him. I just hope I’m wrong and he’ll leave D and his family alone and safe.