I was sitting and thinking about the last words my mom said to me. “Go away”, as I tried to reposition her frame in the prison of her bed. I loved it. Finally, she found her voice and said what she meant. My mom had always been the stoic one, the one who kept going no matter what, the one who made me wonder “really? – is that what you’re thinking?”
Yesterday, in therapy, I told D about some of the dreams I’ve been having. Again, vivid and a bit odd, but not scary. He then asks me if I had had “any mom dreams?” “No.” Of course, I started worrying that I would (should?) start having some. So far though, no dreams. What”s scary is…he planted that in my head under cover of a reasonable question. I swear I may strangle D if I start to dream (just kidding – maybe).
Seems I haven’t had the time or inclination to write anything. My mom died on September 27th. Thankfully. She took the low road to death. At one point she looked at my sister and me and said “I don’t want to do this anymore. Do you understand what I mean?” My sister nodded yes, she understood. But she didn’t really. I knew mom was asking us to kill her. She was too far gone to take her own life and gratefully, Hospice had provided the tools I needed. We had at our disposal liquid morphine, liquid Ativan and dilaudid tablets which we would crush and mix with fruit punch or applesauce. So every hour we medicated her until she fell comatose. Blissful non-awareness. I know I hastened her death and i am glad I could do it for her. She was cremated and had asked that we spread her ashes into the creek that the house is on. A task still to be done.
Her husband, Mac, has dementia but I do believe he understands she is gone. He continues to deteriorate mentally and plays no role in his own care now. My mom asked that the family continue to care for him at home, her fear being that we would put him in a nursing home once she was gone. So far, my brother and sister-in-law have shouldered the responsibility of caring for him. They left their home in the mountains of WV to come to VA to provide for his care. But, I feel from talking to my sister-in-law that this arrangement is going to cause some friction in the not too distant future. My brother is adamant about never moving him, but my sister-in-law is feeling the loss of her life and home and believes, like I do, that taking him home with them to WV is the better option. She knows from caring for her mom who had dementia that changes can and often do accelerate their decline. But Mac knows them very well, trusts them, and has visited their home before. While it may not be ideal to move him, I’m much more worried about the strain on their relationship. Unfortunately my sister and brother-in-law run their business out of their home and simply can’t be away for too long. I am simply too befuddled and selfish to take on the job. I just don’t want to do it.