A bit better

I ‘ve now had my new puppy 2 weeks.  I believe because of my ECT scrambled brain and sleep deprivation, I was not doing the right things.  I knew of the concept of crate training, I have a crate but it didn’t dawn on me to be fucking doing it.  Luckily my sister told me how they had crate trained their last puppy and something clicked.  I did a little online review of the recommended protocol and pending a few adjustments in me, I have a small ray of hope that I can do this.

Blue is already used to spending an hour or two in her crate – when I’ve had to leave the house but I made the mistake of letting her sleep in bed with me at night.  Why?  Because I thought any movement on her part would wake me and I could take her out during the night.  Problem with this was I found I couldn’t relax, barely sleeping because I was worried I’d not hear her stir and she could jump off anytime she wanted.  The other reason I let her sleep in my bed was because I really want her to sleep with me.  I like to snuggle.  My sister pointed out that that plan is really not feasible until she is reliably house trained.  Makes sense(now).    Why am I so brain dead?

Anyway, last night I crated her overnight. had 2 bong hits, and took a sleeping pill.  I slept a blissful 6 consecutive hours.  Not unsurprising I found Blue had peed several times in her bed.  Poor thing.  I don’t know or think she tried to wake me during the night but I really can’t be sure.  So, tonight I will block off part of her crate (so, hopefully she won’t soil her sleeping area), make sure I restrict her water drinking to an hour or two before bedtime,  make sure she urinates right before I crate her, and not take any sleeping pills so I can hear her if she whines to be let out during the night.

As a german shorthaired pointer I know she will be very energetic.  It’s my job to exercise the hell out of her daily.  So each day we drive to my sister’s farm and I can let her run herself ragged in a relatively safe place.  Another perk is my sister’s pitbull mix – Daisy – is being gentle with her and teaching her some dog manners.

We also had her first vet visit yesterday which went well.  Everyone loved her and she seems fond of people.

So, I’m feeling a little bit better.  Hope it continues.




I feel like crap.  Mostly physically.  I’ve had diarrhea since starting Zoloft in the hospital, I know it’s this even though my therapist looked it up on his phone yesterday and said “not mentioned as a side effect.”  Whatever.  My other problems are constant sweating and a BAD case of the shakes. Not much appetite. Extreme anxiety, I don’t ever remember feeling this stressed in my long life.  So, why?

I do not like admitting this.  I’m only doing it because I hope it will make it all go away.  My anxiety is because of my new puppy.  I feel like a complete idiot because I keep thinking of new mothers of human children.  What they must go through and for way longer than I should with my canine child.  I am in constant hypervigilence mode.  I’m terrified she’ll find some unrecognized danger and end up dead. I can’t take my eyes off of her, I must know where she is every second.  Even though she eventually tires and naps, I cannot relax at all to try and sleep along with her.  Currently getting about 3 to 4 hours of sleep a day.  Nowhere near what I need to function.  One of the reasons for constant observation is my attempt to monitor her pee and poop.  Need to keep track of last times and try to calculate/predict next times.  I know housetraining is tough but I don’t remember how it went with 3 previous dogs.  I’m unsure if I’m doing this right.  Part of my anxiety is because I can’t remember the before dogs.  This I blame on my recent course of ECT.    What else am I forgetting?

My therapist asked me yesterday if I like the puppy.  Yes, I do.  I’m just terrified and overwhelmed.  I also fear that my sister will think I don’t.  She was a gift from my sister.  Bought without my knowledge.  Presented to me 1 week after discharge from the hospital.   I’m supposed to be better, capable of this.  And now I’m whining about the way she’s affecting my life.  I should be grateful not doubtful.

I need to feel better soon.  I can’t do this a lot longer.  I want to enjoy her not fear her.


Home. Blue

Hello folks.  I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve spent the last 38 days under c.o. (constant observation) by a sitter in Johns Hopkins Hospital on a psych floor.  At least I remembered how to log into my blog this time.  I wasn’t allowed access to my laptop while in the hospital.  I told them that I wouldn’t take anyone’s picture with it but they saw fit to bar me from reading anybody’s blog or viewing “material” they found questionable.  I’m not really sure what they objected to.  As a result, I hand wrote a daily journal on blank loose leaf paper in order to remember my days and the people I met there.

I checked myself in voluntarily this time and agreed to try some new meds. and another course of ECT.  I had 14 ECT treatments this time and while I gratefully had no episodes of recall, I did manage to bite my tongue severely.  I think the staff told me they wanted me to have maintenance outpatient ECT, but it’s not written down anywhere and I’m not sure.  My memory loss this time feels fairly typical and I keep finding things I should have remembered.  I’m having trouble remembering to take my meds, I got used to the nurses just bringing them to me twice a day.

Something important and good happened to me while hospitalized: my sister took it upon herself to travel out-of-state and buy me a puppy.  She apparently checked with the in-house treatment team and my outpatient therapist before she did it or tell me.  It would appear that everyone thinks a new puppy will be good for me.

My sister and I will be picking her up from the breeder tomorrow afternoon.  I have named her Blue.  She is an eight week old German Shorthaired Pointer, my absolute favorite breed.    I’ve spent the past few days cleaning and puppy proofing the house.  I’ve also managed to spend over $250 at Petco and  already signed us up for puppy kindergarten classes that will start in late October.  Tomorrow a fencing company is coming to give me an estimate for puppy proofing my existing split-rail fence.  In the meantime i’ll put her out on the runner for safety.  I’m planning to crate train her and will do my own vaccines if I can find them online. Blue will be meeting my sister’s 2 dogs – a Great Dane and  a pitbull mix right away as they will need to be fast friends.  My therapist told me I can’t bring her to therapy until she’s housebroken – that seems fair enough.

I can hardly believe that at this time tomorrow, I will have a dog.