At Dotty Headbanger’s suggestion i will try and blog something every day.  It’s likely to be primarily me moaning and groaning about my life (or lack of it) , so i apologize now, in advance.  She has also suggested i consider writing in character, but i’m not sure how to do that.  But she may be right – perhaps my emotions will bleed through and i’ll feel better.  We’ll see.

This morning started badly with my laptop refusing to start up and then freezing on a page after trying unsuccessfully to repair itself.  I had to call the dreaded customer service number for Toshiba.  Amazingly, after getting through the prompts, a “real boy” got on the phone and was able to talk me through fixing it and as you can see, i’m back in business.  Yea.

As i’ve mentioned before, about 6 weeks ago i started the antidepressant Remeron.  It’s supposed to be for anxiety as well.  I’m not sure if it’s helping but i’m more concerned about some of the reported side effects – namely increased appetite and weight gain.  I really do not want to gain any weight so i’m hungry most of the time.  Restless and hungry – a terrible combination.

I have my 6 week follow up appt. with my shrink next Tuesday.  Since i’ve been so restless, unsettled, and unhappy lately i called to ask if i can go on the cancellation list for an earlier appt. but with the Labor Day holiday next Monday – i’ve been told it’s unlikely that i’ll be moved up sooner.  I’ll just have to hang on and wait.

My current pet peeve is that the in-hospital shrink (who charges $350.00/day) did not tell me that she was not in my insurance network.  What this means is that i owe the balance after the insurance has paid what they think is fair.  Recently i got a bill for over $6000.00.  I can’t afford this.  Why don’t they tell people at the beginning about the insurance facts and then people can decide whether to accept the arrangement or not.  It’s not fair.  What other successful business operates this way?   I feel cheated and hoodwinked.  Doc.



Hello.  It’s been a while since i’ve blogged.  Too unsettled and no concentration.  When  i was in the hospital recently i started Remeron (anti-anxiety and anti-depressant) and underwent another course of ECT with maintanence ECT 2x/week since.  In fact, i’ve just decided to discontinue ECT as i don’t believe it is helping.  I haven’t been coping very well since discharge.  Still so empty, aimless, sad, subject to crying spells.  Still so restless and antsy.  Nothing in my head is settled.  My thoughts are all over the place.  Physically unable to sit still or lie still.  Always needing to move about or reposition myself.  Sleep comes slowly, then i’m awake in the middle of the night off and on until  i finally get out of bed.  Even pot doesn’t calm me like it used to.  Not sure what is happening.  Thoughts and actions of self-harm.

My therapist has asked me to write down what i’m thinking about when the tears come.  So far – one episode after hearing the line from a U2 song – “are you feeling better or do you feel the same?”  It just made me burst into tears because i feel the same.  After the hospital, the new drugs, the ECT.  Why can’t i feel better, alive?  Why can’t i settle my mind/thoughts?  Why do i always end up feeling desperate and then doing something desperate?

Do i need different meds,more ECT?  My case manager (insurance company program) has suggested partial hospitalization to “give your day more structure.”  Sounds like all day of lame groups and painting/art classes etc.  How is that supposed to help?

I need to be able to relax, to read, to sleep better, to not always be worrying about what i’m going to do next.  I need to be able to concentrate and commit to something.  I checked out a library book but only read @ 6 pages then put it down.  I buy newspapers then don’t read them.  Magazines pile up, unread.  TV doesn’t hold my attention for long.  I wander from room to room, inside then outside.  No direction, no concentration.  Smoking too many cigarettes.

I also found out that the in-hospital shrink and anesthesiologist (ECT) are not in my insurance network – so i owe them the difference between what they charged and what the insurance does cover – approx. 50%.  I was not notified of this at the beginning.   I’m on disability and can’t afford these charges.

I need a way to calm my thoughts and body.  I need to be less sad.  I need something.





I’m sick of house sitting.  It’s certainly not hard to do.  So far, (fingers crossed) no one or nothing has died under my care.  But I’m not used to living with people and it’s disconcerting never knowing when someone is going to pop up.  The people who live here have their own lives and routines and I’m just killing time.  The animals seem content.  The birds are freaking noisy, though and pick the oddest times to flap about the room doing who knows what.  The wee mouse lives alone and appears to be holding her own (thank God). It’s hard for me to find something to do as I can’t settle my mind to read, I don’t feel much like cleaning and I’m getting sick of the Olympics.  I’ve seen enough volleyball to last a lifetime.  I’d like to see more diving and track and field, but that’s it.

My nephew and I are going shopping for a hookah later.  He was showing me a Youtube video of the mechanics and advantages of smoking tobacco with one and it looks interesting!

I’ve been considering whether to return to school in the near future. I have an interest in medical ultrasonography of humans.  My concern, certainly, is my mental health status and stability.  I’m interested in a 4 year B.S. course and need to believe that I will be able to stay well long enough to complete the course.  With my most recent issues, that’s not anywhere close to likely.  But if I keep waiting until I’ve been stable for a while, a lot of time could go by.  I don’t know what to choose – plung in or wait and see.  I don’t know how flexible the univerisity can be if I would need time off unexpectedly.  I intend to ask what the policy would be in case I needed time off.  So… I’m still undecided.       Doc

House sitting

My sister had the bright idea to go out of town and asked me to house sit.  All i have to do is keep track of and feed 2 humans – males aged 16 and 21, one dog, 3 cockatiels, and one mouse with a skin condition.  Should be a piece of cake – right?  That’s what i thought too.  However, i’m finding my sense of calm and well-being in a bit of a shambles.  Nothing specific has happened.  I’m teetering on the edge of tears for no good reason.  I don’t mind a good cry here and there as long as i understand what’s behind it.  But i will burst into tears now at the drop of a hat.  When something good or sweet happens, i cry.  If something touching happens on TV, i cry.  If the dog looks at me a certain way, i cry.  What the fuck is my problem?  Whatever it is. it needs to bugger off.  How am i supposed to believe that i can regain some of my life back when i can’t manage a simple assignment like house sitting.  Maybe i’m freaking out over nothing.   We’ll see what tomorrow is like.  For now, i’m going to get a glass of wine and catch a buzz with my nephew.  Doc.