Oh well.

About 1 week ago i vowed to blog on a daily basis.  I haven’t.  I just can’t think of anything to say or write about.  Not for any readers, but for myself.  I understand the allure of a daily entry.   Something structured, planned, expected.

But i’ve been too jumbled up, too restless, too boring.

I have one task that i do each day.  I feed my sister’s three horses.  This involves getting out of bed by 8am and driving about 30 mins. north to where the horses are kept.  At my ex-brother -in-law’s house.  I don’t like it primarily because he’s always there.  He feeds on the days i can’t and he feeds at night.  So it seems really pointless for me to drive an hour each day to do what he can do in 2 mins.  I have, for the most part, done this each morning.  It was an idea of my sister’s – give the mental (me) some reason to  get up each day etc.  Give me some responsibilities.  I get it.  But i’ve grown to hate it.  He’s right there.  Why can’t he continue to feed them?  I dread the drive, the traffic, all the noise of cars and trucks, the stopping and starting at the lights.  Sometimes i want to  drive the truck into a tree and just be done with it.

Another isuue right now is all the medical bills i have been receiving.  When i agreed to be admitted last time (June/July) i was unaware all the MDs who saw me in the hospital where NOT in my insurance network.  Which means they can charge whatever they want, my insurance pays about 50% and i’m responsible for the balance.  I owe over $6,000  now and i’m not sure if all the bills are in yet.  I’m upset because this was not explained to me at the time of admission.  I feel blindsided by this lack of choice/or at least cheated by this omission.  The MD bills have always been covered fully before-ie in network MDs accept the insurance payment as payment in full and write off the balance.  I certainly would not have agreed to this admission if i had been told the facts. I’m trying to get by on disability benefits and can’t afford these bills.  They should be required to inform patients that the doctors are out of network.  No one ever said how much the MD visits, ECT, the anesthesia were going to cost.  They can charge anything they want and not tell you.

I’m considering “settling” my acct. with the chief in-patient psychiatrist.  They say i owe over $5000 but will take $3500 in one lump sum and consider the acct. closed.   $3500 is almost 2 months of my disability payment.  How am i to pay the mortgage, insurance, buy gas and food?  I’m really upset about this.  Plus – what if there are more outstanding bills i don’t know about yet?  I may need to ask my mother for some money.  I hate this.

I saw my outpt. psychiatrist on Tuesday.  I tried to convey to him my overwhelming sense of despair, restlessness, anxiety.  He has instructed me to increase the Buspar, the Remeron, and the Trazodone.  Hopefully, soon, this will help to decrease my anxiety.

I spend each day after feeding the horses searching for some meaning to life, looking for a little calm, inner quiet, a reason to keep trying.  It’s so hard right now.  Many days i pace about, smoking cigarette after cigarette, fighting the urge to self harm or overdose. I’m not always successful.

My therapist wants me to volunteer perhaps at a nursing home and help the old folks out.  I recognize how it could benefit me – give me something to  do – but i can’t get past my current disdain for idle chitchat with strangers.  Perhaps a bit of people phobia.

Another problem  –  I seem to have lost the diamond ring that used to be my grandmother’s.  I wore it on my right hand pinkie finger and it was a little loose.  I can’t remember taking it off.  I can’t find it.  I don’t remember when i saw it last – sometime in the past month.  I’m devastated for losing it.  Perhaps it fell off during my last ECT.   I’ve written a letter to the unit at the hospital to see if they’ve found it in the ECT room.  Fingers crossed.    Doc.