distraught over the dog

Blue is alive and happy and well. I am alive. I wasn’t sure i wanted to write about this, but i’m hoping by putting it to paper that i can let go of some of the bad feelings.

This past weekend blue and i went to the farm for our (nearly) daily walk. She decidedly needs the off leash exercise and the socialization with her 3 cousins. For most of the walk the pack stayed within earshot or sight. At the apex of our route, 3 of them took off quietly, leaving me with the great dane who never strays far. OK, i thought – they’ll be back shortly. I decided to continue walking back to the truck because they can catch up quickly.

But, on the way back, my anxiety ramped up and by the time i got to the truck i was sobbing. I have and have had moderately bad, somewhat irrational fear that she will either end up run over, shot dead or just disappear – never to be found. These fears are not without some basis in possibility as one day , on a walk, i got a call from a stranger who had found blue running along the highway just off the farm property. She was unhurt and oblivious to my concerns about her safety. I didn’t walk her on that side of the farm for weeks, terrified she would, in the end, return to the road and be killed. I lost my 11 month old GSP to a car probably 12 years ago now and i can still remember the thud and feeling her heart stop on the side of the road that day.

It doesn’t take much these days to start my anxiety. In part, i believe, because blue was given to me to help with my depression from losing my 11 yo GSP to illness. I did not have (or know) that i had MH issues before her death sent me to hell.

Now, i am the one in this relationship with separation anxiety. And it is so bad.

Long story short, i sat on the tailgate, sobbing uncontrollably for about 45 mins. until i caught sight of her across the field – looking for me. Even when i got her in my hands i could not stop crying and i wasn’t ‘right’ until the next day.

I’ve told my T multiple times that ‘the dog is going to kill me’ and i firmly believe it. As i sat, waiting, i became suicidal knowing i could not live if she dies. I don’t know how to stop these thoughts. I started taking CBD paste recently in an attempt to lessen my anxiety but i don’t see much change in my thinking. I have some leftover buspar that i may try.

I can’t (don’t want to) condemn her to a life without her friends or unrestrained exercise because she would suffer and become unhappy. I just can’t do it. But every day that comes i have to decide if we are going or not. Like the pain of childbirth, i seem to forget how truly bad it is when she is out of sight for more than a few mins. and soon i am distraught until i have her back safely (so far).

Today, i agreed to go to the farm to let my sister’s dogs out since she is away and my bil is working all day. I am terrified. How can i make this better? If she dies, i will follow.