I saw my shrink again last week. It had been 3 months since our last encounter when i told him i was stopping all my meds. He told me then to come back in 3 months [last week] but i honestly didn’t believe i would ever see him again.
I began to wean off of my meds and almost immediately started into a hypomanic phase. My first, no-denying-it manic episode and it’s been [mostly] lovely. I was convinced that my MDD was actually bipolar disorder, something my T has asserted for a while. It’s been, like, 2 months and everyday that i wake up and feel the energy and the smile on my face, i rejoice. I have been depressed for so long [YEARS] that it feels like this is a gift.
The triangle relationship i have had between myself, my shrink, and my T, however, is not a gift, not cool, and probably not going to continue. It seems that my shrink and T used to work together on the inpatient psych floor of my local community hospital and consequently and unfortunately, neither can stand the other. This dynamic has, over time, made it really hard for me. There have been times when i really needed my T to share info/thoughts with my shrink but it never happens. You know, coordinated care and all that crap.
So, anyway, i was obviously hypomanic last week when i returned to get my ‘if you won’t take meds,then piss off” speech. To his credit, he did notice my animated mood, asking me “are you on illicit drugs?” Um, no. Followed by “has anyone ever told you that you are bipolar?” Um, yes [just not you]. I told him that i was having great difficulty staying asleep and was smoking pot in the wee hours just to get back to sleep. He nodded, flipping back and forth through my file, and told me to take hydroxyzine. He also said that if i felt “out of control” that we might need the “big guns” – he mentioned seroquel, zyprexa, and risperidal. No thanks, but i felt that at the least he was in agreement with a bipolar diagnosis.
But as i was checked out at the front desk, i saw that my dx code was still F33.1 – is MDD, recurrent, moderate.
I now have an appt. with a psych nurse practitioner at the end of september. Time for another opinion, i think. Plus, nurses rock!