Is faking it enough?

Periodically, (increasingly?) I become frustrated with therapy and wonder why i’m doing it at all.  Today I asked my T ” what is therapy about, what am I meant to accomplish here?”.  He mumbled something about he doesn’t know sometimes but then he ran off a short list of possible goals – learn more about yourself, make connections, have at least one obligation per week (show up), etc.   One thing he said was to be more engaging “even if you’re faking it.”

As I sat there silently thinking, i felt tears forming in my eyes.  I told him that what he said had made me sad.  “What part?’ he asked.
“The part where just faking my life is good enough or even progress.” I am saddened by this thought.  Because all that is just for passersby, not for me.  It seems that in the end, it’s how I affect others that’s important, not what I need or want.   Not that I know what I need or want.  I had hoped therapy would reveal those things to me.

Once again , I return home from my weekly session confused, despondent and likely to self harm.  So, why do I continue, why do I pay for a friend,  why do I submit myself for judgement and get nothing in return.  I could just as easily send him a weekly progress report and eliminate the rest – the silence, the pacing, the unfounded expectations.

Is faking it enough?  If so, how long can I keep that up?  Doc