Lately i have been struggling with a decision. That i should need to make this decision comes as a bit of a surprise to me.
I once read that someone believes that i have a “sense of entitlement”. A sense of entilement that is somehow wrong, pathologic. At first, that opinion surprised and angered me. But after long reflection, i find that it is true. No, i don’t believe the “world owes me a living”.
I have come to see that i am entitled to one thing.
There are many ways one can feel the world can/should be. To have a sense of safety, to feel hope, to believe that the world is neutral – neither for or against any one creature, to know happiness. That anyone can know and follow the “right path”. These are false truths. They are manufactured.
I am entitled to myself only. I alone am responsible for how i fit into the world/human view. I belong to me . I don’t believe i should (can) exist for the benefit or comfort of anyone else.
Narcissistic? Perhaps. But as i run down my checklist of wishes, expectations, and beliefs it has occured to me that we don’t exist for others, not really. Underneath it all, if we don’t admire, respect, or cherish ourselves then it is time to depart, to step off. To be needed, have worth, to belong are all artificial constructs of man. We only really, honestly, exist for ourselves.
I am rational, well-educated, self-aware and utterly pointless.
There is a kind of freedom in how i feel now, that i see myself truely, finally.
It is not my intention to hurt anyone. I do not presume to have any such “right”. In point of fact, i will strive to do everything i can to avoid this as i leave. Everything is planned to erase myself painlessly. Both for myself and as a residue of social responsibility for others.
I write these words so that i may reflect on them in moments of unclarity – which can surface and try to scramble the truths i have discovered only recently. I trust myself and need now only to find the courage to proceed.
I don’t owe anything to anyone but me. To myself i will be honest.
I am entitled to that.