It has been about a month since my therapy blew up in my face.
Of course, my head has been all over the place and my thoughts have ranged from acute suicidality to intense hatred and hope for revenge. I’m not very nice.
On nearly an hourly, now daily basis i have wished “suffering and pain” on my former T. Progress, i guess.
My T wanted out and once i was aware of this fact, i terminated our business together. But i have been struggling to understand what happened. Like too much of my life, bad things happen to me and no one explains it to me. I am left to figure it out by myself. And i can’t tell if i am right or wrong and the people who know the truth are not talking to me.
When she told me that she felt like she had been arguing with an addict twice a week, i translated that into “you are wasting my time, my valuable time”. I even believed for a while that i must have reminded her of her dead sister and that said sister must have had a drug problem since that seemed to be her area of disgust with me.
Recently i read a post on Quora where someone explained her belief that many therapists do not want a client who does not take psych. meds or sees a shrink. The reasoning is that the therapist does not want to be the clinician seeing/being responsible for a sick person all by themselves. They want an M.D. or N.P. to share in the blame if something goes wrong. They want a higher up to share in the liability of a treatment failure.
This makes sense to me as my T said ” i want you to see a psychiatrist and start back on medication.” The bottom line is – i feel judged and rejected by her. I had asked her months ago if she would terminate if i did not take meds. and she told me she would not. So, true to her word, she did not terminate. She triggered my abandonment spiral instead, something she has seen before and knew that i would leave the relationship thereby preserving her good name and freeing her of any liability.
I thought communication was one of a t’s strengths, so why didn’t she just tell me what was bothering her? She told me once that i didn’t have to take care of her, but she was lying – because this was about what she wanted and needed, not me.
One positive – last night i realized – with a huge sense of relief – that i am now safe from the horrible experience of having another county sheriff at my door with an emergency psych eval. warrant. It is a terrifying thing to go through. Therapy – never again. I am keeping my mouth shut from now on. Doc.
thebigfarm 