For me, hunting sucks

Yesterday, while walking with the dogs, I heard a loud commotion in the undergrowth and the dogs took off barking.  After a few minutes of their intensifying racket, I went to investigate.  I found a 4 point buck who was down and appeared unable to use his back legs efficiently for standing or running off.

The dogs were going nuts.  What a prize!  The more it thrashed about and tried to stand, the more animated and vocal they became.  They started making lunges at him to get a bite.  I grew increasingly angry, at the dogs and the situation.

Upon closer observation, I saw a wound in his left thigh consistent with an arrow wound.  It is bow hunting season here.  It appeared that he was partially paralyzed in the rear.  Likely, the tip of the arrow was in his spine.

I called my brother-in-law, who called a neighbor, who came in a 4 wheeler with a rifle and the buck was put down with a single shot.  Out of pain and terror.

For me, relief and anger.  I know of the positive values associated with hunting.  I am saddened by the knowledge of animals that have been and will be maimed and left to die in pain.   Doc

7 pm update:   This afternoon I tried to be an undertaker for our wronged friend.  However, a queasy stomach (thank you trintellix),  a dense system of subsurface roots, and my damned back conspired to prevent it.  My reasons were selfish.  His body lies along the creek and a favorite stretch of woods. His smell is going to be big and will last a while.  And you know how dogs love to anoint themselves with nastiness.  I had to hold a fallen, ripe paw paw fruit under my nose to get past him today.  But he will feed many creatures in the weeks and months to come, so I will just have to learn to deal.

 

 

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Stop or go on

I started Trintellix 3 weeks ago.  At the shrink appt. i told him that i was feeling down.  I also told him that i was beginning to talk about my childhood abuse with my therapist.  He looked at me sideways and said “that can be painful.”  Really?

Anyway, i gradually increased the dose from 5 mg to 20mg.  I’ve had some nausea and vomiting (reported common side effects) but what is bothering me is that my depression has gotten steadily worse.

My shrink had given me some samples to get up to 20mg (thanks) and when i submitted the Rx to the pharmacist she told me a month’s supply would be $149.  Quite a bit for my budget.

My problem is deciding if the med. is causing me to worsen and therefore i need to stop it or i feel lousy because of what is happening in therapy.

I need to decide today so the pharmacist can special order it before my samples run out.  Doc

8pm update:  I talked to my pdoc.  He asked me to continue taking it.  We shall see.

 

 

 

I’m bored

For the past year or so I have spent a least 2 hours a day walking my dog and her 2 cousins on the farm.  I have noted that when they poop they never look back to check it.  They just trot off.

At a recent, small gathering I asked if the folks present looked at their poop and why.   The majority answered yes, but the reasons why varied.

The responses ranged from -to check for blood,-to check for length, -to see how much. to one who does not look. I shared that I look for color and any evidence of undigested plant material  (to gauge GI transit time ).

My query:  do you look and why/why not.      Doc

 

 

Again

I am feeling depressed again.  Past 2 days.  I had been feeling pretty good, sometimes great, for months now. Meds: Trazodone and hydroxyzine – reportedly for sleep.

This downturn is probably situational in nature.  I wrote about the brother issue yesterday.  Today in therapy I moaned about that, then started telling him how strongly uncomfortable I was this weekend while visiting some relatives of my sister-in-law living nearby.  They were very nice, friendly people.  My problem was – I couldn’t look at their 11 year old daughter sitting happily on her dad’s lap without wondering/worrying if she was being sexually abused by him.

I also told my T that I might think the same of him  if I saw him  with his daughter (even if I didn’t want to).

He said, “Guilty by reason of penis, huh?”

“Pretty much.  It could be anyone.  I find myself looking for signs.”  I don’t want to look at every happy family or father and daughter together and think these things.  It made me feel bad and judgmental and damaged.

I also started a new MDD med – Trintellix -2 weeks ago and now i’m down.  Makes me suspicious. Am still nauseous.

I told him that I had been saddened by the news of a fellow bloggers’ death and that I felt like crying, but couldn’t.  So I used blood for tears.  He asked me if I could find another way to mourn.  Felt stupid.

I am trying to write things down so I don’t forget as I go along.   Doc

 

 

 

Disgust

My only brother, the middle child, has always been a challenge to get along with.  Being the eldest, I felt like I usually had some respect from and responsibility for him.  I feel bad for my little sister who probably had neither.

This past week I passed the threshold of annoyance and groaning acceptance of his quirks into pure disgust and if i’m honest, hatred.  The three of us have had to be in touch and have face to face contact the past 2 years or so as we dealt with the estate of our Mom and her husband.

This week past we gathered at the house in Va. and met with the lawyer to finalize the process.  My brother is an alcoholic and near-chain smoker.  He is also a self righteous, never wrong, doesn’t know when to STFU  obnoxious twit. I quit smoking cigs. last Jan., my sister is still smoking.  When the three of us decided, for the time being, to keep Mom’s house,  my sister and I told him we did not want him smoking inside the house.  He has the choice of smoking in the garage, the covered front porch, or the deck out back.

This decision was based on the fact that I find it unbearable and it will make harder to sell the house or have nonsmoking friends come to enjoy the amenities. When my sister and I arrived a day after he did, we noticed an ashtray with cigarette butts on the kitchen table and we both looked at each other with surprise and anger.

My brother told us, in some sort of snooty accent, that, “out of respect” for my sister and I, that he  would “endeavor to limit his smoking indoors.”  I replied that any smoking indoors would be disrespectful to her and I and  reminded him he had other options.

He repeated his “i shall endeavor…” crap and told me the discussion was over. As usual, I didn’t explode outwardly.  I continued the discussion in my head most of the night.  In the end, I decided to leave the next day (which was what I wanted to do anyway) rather than stay another day and celebrate a birthday with a crab do.

So, I know it sounds sort of petty but this “I’ll do want I want”  attitude doesn’t bode well when the three of us just the day before, set up an LLC to jointly pay for and care for the house and property.  Frankly, I want to say fuck it and get out now. And I really don’t like  (I hate) him right now.   Doc