Back home


This is always such a difficult time for me.   Newly discharged (again) from inpatient care a couple of days ago after 3 weeks of inpatient care and a resumption of ECT.  It’s hard for me to remember what was happening and why I made the decision to go inpt. and even harder for me to remember why I agreed to undergo ECT again.   This admission was different because I went in voluntarily this time.  The rest of my admission was typical of past ones with the exception that this facility allowed cellphones and laptops. And no disrespect intended, but eventually all inpatient stays get old and boring and you just have to get away.   I honestly tried to participate as much as I could – you know -attended most groups, went to art and movement therapy, tried to be sociable.   There was one woman who drove me nuts.  She was loud and insistent and kept insisting she was “tri-polar” = bipolar and schizophrenic.  I don’t know or care, but she started grating on my nerves BIG time.  I know she was ill too, but in the end I couldn’t take her anymore and left as a form of self-preservation.  Now that I’m home i feel lost and disconnected and while i don’t want to be back as an inpatient i am definately unsettled here at home.    I had a concert waiting for me here (Lynard Skynard) which i went to and enjoyed.  I can’t really explain my discomfort, i just hope it doesn’t last much longer.  I’m likely to resume my self-harming tonight.  It feels inevitable.  Why can’t i just be happy?  I don’t know what to do.   Doc.