I read somewhere that trying to explain the rational reasons behind the desire to die by suicide implies an irrational mind. Bullshit. I mean, I disagree.
My mom died a few months ago from metastatic lung cancer. She was in unrelenting, undermedicated agony for far too long before hospice stepped in to manage her socially acceptable illness and unspoken desire to die with dignity and less pain. Thank you morphine, dilaudid, and ativan. I was grateful when she died and wasn’t forced to face another day of misery. I deserve the same consideration, kindness, and compassion she ultimately received. I am not ashamed to give up. I have tried for the past 6 years to accept advice, treatments, and change without therapeutic success. I am not altruistic enough to continue the façade of contentment.
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss
I’m not afraid to die a painless death by my own hands. OK.. I am a little. What I am afraid of is the fear, shame, and stigma my family may experience because of my decisions. It won’t be their fault. Societal pressure – moral and religious – over the past 1000 years has skewed and changed early civilizations’ beliefs that suicide is an honorable way to escape an unbearable existence. I’m an atheist so no qualms on the religion front. Morally, I could get entangled in the notions of being weak and selfish, not a contributing member of our society. The stigma of mental illness and suicide can’t harm me or stop me but it will probably hurt my loved ones.
N.B. This is not a suicide note. I am just trying to organize my thoughts and feelings.