Saw the orthopedic surgeon yesterday (really, that was just yesterday? – seems like days ago) and we are both happy with my hands’ progress. I have better range of motion and sensation is slowly returning to the fingers of my right hand. “Rate your improvement on a scale of 1 to 100, with 100 being normal”. “Well, i’d say 70 percent normal”. “Good”, he says smiling. I am supposed to resume physical therapy now.
Forced myself out of bed and drove 1 hour north to ride one of my sisters’ horses yesterday. I also had to drop off my bills for her to pay from my social security disability acct.. ! 2 activties in one day! Seemed to satisfy my brother-in-law and sister that i was “engaging” in life. I didn’t want to tell them that i’ve stopped the morning meds. completely now. Can’t deal with their disapproving faces. But it’s been three days or so without them and i am more awake than i was. Granted, Wolf is still whispering to me, especially at night. “She should die”. Who is he talking to?
I feel the urge to “do something”, but i don’t know what to do. Wolf wants me to break my arm. I’ve tried to before using a chunk of firewood, but only bruised it. I could claimed this kind of injury was an “accident”, avoiding the bad looks and questions that would invariably arise. I am considering an overdose or trying to cut an artery in my left arm. I’ve looked up the anatomy of the human forearm and believe i can do a “proper” approach to the artery without missing the vessel or cutting a nerve. I am ambivalent about obeying him. I think an overdose or bleeding would be better. Again, cutting will be harder to explain to everyone. But i know me and once a decision is made i must follow through.
What would happen if i told “someone” about these urges? Would i end up back in the hospital? On a locked ward again? DON’T want THAT. Bettter to keep quiet for now. Besides, i already know how i could sneak a scalpel in with me. So, i wouldn’t be “safe” there anyway.
What people don’t understand is i MUST do one of these. Failure to obey or placate Wolf WILL lead to someone in my family being hurt again. I cannot take that chance.
My insurance company – Blue Cross/Blue Shield (BCBS) has been calling me since my recent discharge. They have a psychiatric nurse trying to engage me and “see how you are doing”. I am very concerned about this. I couldn’t pick up the phone and talk to him recently because i had a previous experience with BCBS nurses calling the police and having me taken into custody, spending a week in the hospital after one of the callers took umbrage with a comment i had made to her about a recent gun purchase so i could “keep my options open”. They didn”t get that i feel better knowing i have a way out. Like the time i stopped smoking cigarettes and found comfort in knowing i had put an extra pack on top of the ‘fridge, just in case.
It’s so hard to know how much to disclose. So, i just didn’t answer his calls. I think it will be better to keep my mouth shut.
The police, it seems, have been involved with every one of my involuntary (they all were) admissions since this nightmare started 3 years ago. Not unexpectedly, i have developed a sincere and deep fear of them. Every cop car passing is looking at/for me. They even managed to implant a microchip in me to keep track. I had to surgically remove it and after my recent apprehension i fear they managed to implant another. I haven’t found it yet but will remove it and destroy it once i do.
I can’t believe it has been 2 years since i’ve worked. What the FUCK have i been doing? I cannot remember. I have been working since i was 15 years old. How can 2 years be gone? I didn’t notice. I also know that my memories of my teen and 20/30’s are gone or scrambled. I can’t even picture places or routes or remember people i once knew quite well. Someone/something has erased them. ECT anyone? I feel empty and lost. Why would anyone want or take my thoughts and memories?
I did break down and scheduled an appt. with a new therapist, another social worker, not a psychologist like my last one. In fact, the appt. is with the same guy who had me certified 3 weeks ago for my admission. First man i’ve chosen to try. Despite what he did, he seemed nice enough and agreed to see me. Perhaps a man will be easier to talk to about my abuse . He asked if my abuser had “done any jail time” and seemed geniunely saddened when i said no. My appt. is June 4.
I did go out and see a movie. Dark Shadows with Johnny Depp. It was OK. I like him(he is so cute) and i liked Helena Bonham Carter as the doctor Julia, but the plot was odd. The visual/special effects were good, but i can only give it a “fair” rating. I can’t exactly say what i was expecting but they did try to cram a lot of story lines in the film not from the original series and it threw me off. Like young Caroline as a werewolf. I also had uncomfortable (to say the least) feelings when they showed Victoria getting unsedated ECT as a child.
I just texted my sister to have good luck today at her barrel race. Please take care and don’t get hurt again. But i couldn’t tell her that Wolf may be gunning for her because of my failure to obey his demand yet. That would not be fair to her. I will have to wait and hope for the best and her continued safety. I hope he doesn’t retaliate. Perhaps i should appease him now.
Going for a smoke and a think. Doc.
Addendum: I’ve done it. I have bled. Perhaps he’ll be happy now and my little sister will be safe today.