still having doubts

Last week when i was poorly, i went to see the nurse practitioner who is my PCP [primary care provider].  She knows my T as they share the office space.  After i apparently failed to explain my reasoning behind quitting my pmeds. she asked me if i was still seeing him.  In a moment of unusual sharing i said “yes, but it seems like all i’m doing is paying him to talk to me.”  She replied, “well, isn’t that the point?”

I don’t know.  Is that the point, the only point?  I’m still not sure what therapy is about or what is supposed to be accomplished.  I have left therapy sessions MANY times, with different therapists, wondering what the hell  i was doing.  Sometimes, i’m convinced that i’m failing at therapy because i’m not getting anything out of it    Other times, i believe it’s all my T’s fault because they suck and i just haven’t found a “good” one.


Changing therapists has usually come as a result of a hospitalization and on the advice of my soon-to-be-history treatment team.  “You need someone more trauma focused.”  Well, ok, fine but what is that supposed to look like?  How is that going to be different?


I’ve had 4 therapists in the last 9 years and have never felt i understood the concept of therapy with any of them.  I’ve been with my current T for 5 years and he’s a nice fellow and all but usually after asking me how my week was, we spend the time chatting aboutgodknowswhat.  It doesn’t feel therapeutic.  It feels like paying for someone to be my friend who can’t be my friend.  To be fair, i don’t want him pounding me with questions about my childhood with every breath but some experience-based guided questioning would help me.  I don’t know what would help me to discuss.  Isn’t that his role?


Certainly, i could find another therapist and try again.  After 5 years, it feels a bit like a relationship that hasn’t grown or deepened.  But how do i judge something that seems vague and arbitrary.  Does therapy have goals, something measurable to help me judge success or failure, a list i can check off?  I need guidance and once again i feel lost and adrift, afraid to stay and afraid to go.






I’m bored. And ambivalent, anxious, confused, and somewhat self destructive. I’ve been waiting to hear from my therapist D whether or not ****Hospital will accept me for ECT with the proviso that no unwanted drugs will be used against(on) me.

I just took a break and had a cigarette, a banana, and a bong hit. Last of the Summer Wine is on the TV.

So, last week D told me he had been ill and had been having tests and treatments(enemas) to help relieve his intestinal obstruction. TMI from a therapist? I started asking him a bunch of medical questions because I’m nosey and that’s what I do. Any new foods, any new meds., any family history of specific GI diseases, my advice(unsolicited) on which laxative to use next. Interestingly, he answered my questions. Then told me I was “different” when I talked about medicine. I know, my old life.

On Thursday evening D texted me that he would have to cancel our Friday session as he was having an emergency colonoscopy. FUCK. I had already worked myself into a state during the week which resulted in me needing to turn off my fucking head and taking a mini-overdose of Trazodone to make it happen. Slept for 16 hours.

I did ask him Thursday if there had been any decision re: ECT. “Still working on it.”

This week I’m having doubts about whether to have more ECT or not. It’s probably not going to change anything. Just make me dumber. I feel like I’ve been not me for so long that I should finally accept it and go with Wolf. Part of my reasoning to try it one more time is that I want my family to believe that I tried everything to get better.

At this point I’m not sure what to do. I’m waiting to see if D has to cancel this Friday.