I had to cut today. I feel so COLD. Like I’m already dead. Needed to see my blood running, to prove something is still alive inside me. Tending to the cut makes me feel useful, helpful. It’s 70 degrees outside but i’m freezing again.
I want someone to know, but I can’t share this. Who do I want to know about me/this? Don’t know. It’s likely no one, really. It’s just for me.
Won’t tell my family. It would only annoy them, I’m sure. They are happy not knowing about me. Only on a superficial level is how I operate, always have. Being mental is such a personal place to be.
If I am honest it probably has something to do with today being Fathers Day in the U.S. I guess I want him to know. But I don’t tell him anything now. He decided to change the rules, not me. I didn’t know we were wrong. I was just trying to be good, be his important, helpful kid.
His other two kids will have to honor him today (and forever). He’s lucky I haven’t killed him yet. That’s my gift to you.
I’m really cold. Doc.