Had to

I had to cut today.  I feel so COLD.  Like I’m already dead.  Needed to see my blood running, to prove something is still alive inside me. Tending to the cut makes me feel useful, helpful.  It’s 70 degrees outside but i’m freezing again.

I want someone to know, but I can’t share this.  Who do I want to know about me/this?  Don’t know. It’s likely no one, really.  It’s just for me.

Won’t tell my family.  It would only annoy them, I’m sure.  They are happy not knowing about me.  Only on a superficial level is how I operate, always have.  Being mental is such a personal place to be.

If I am honest it probably has something to do with today being Fathers Day in the U.S.  I guess I want him to know.  But I don’t tell him anything now.  He decided to change the rules, not me.  I didn’t know we were wrong.  I was just trying to be good, be his important, helpful kid.

His other two kids will have to honor him today (and forever).  He’s lucky I haven’t killed him yet.  That’s my gift to you.

I’m really cold.       Doc.


4 responses to “Had to

  1. Father’s day in my mind is another one of those hall mark days that make people feel more fucked up than we need to feel.
    Secondly I have to add you needed to cut today because you said you felt cold? although you won’t tell your family because it will just piss them off?
    In all honesty if you wanted to stop this cutting thing, you would tell them!
    Be honest with those who are trying to help you don’t let them think they are doing good or the right things by you by hiding that you CUT

    • Dear Angel,
      You know, I don’t think I want to stop cutting. It may be functioning as an early warning system of mine that my mood is crashing again. It usually escalates before I hit bottom. It seems to increase before I move on to other options. Whether I can avoid more “serious” actions just because I know it’s coming is the question. In the end, I did tell my sister I had cut, but as expected only scared (disgusted) her and prompted a plea for me to come stay with her – I couldn’t. Thanks for your comment. Doc.

  2. Dear Doc,

    If I’m reading what you’ve written correctly, hurting yourself won’t hurt HIM, won’t affect him at all. So why should YOU be the one to suffer over and over again?

    Love Dotty xxx

    • Dear Dotty,
      I don’t know.
      P.S. Sorry to hear the diet experiment was problematic, but don’t us “fat-bottomed girls make the rockin” world go ’round”? Doc.

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