Things are still bad. Same old shit. My mood is still awful and i’ve been thinking a lot about self-harm/other bad ideas.
I don’t know what to do to change it. I’ve tried finding SOMETHING to occupy my busy head. Music – helps for a while, then becomes too jangly. Then I get loops of music stuck in my heads for hours, round and round, over and over until I want to scream. Shut the fuck up.
“She hates her life and what she’s done to it”.
“You might just find that you’re out of time to swim ashore”. – Jack Johnson
“To see the shiny toy i’ve been hoping for. Hoping just because I spoke the words that they will be true. Always on the outside looking in.” – Indigo Girls
I bought flowers to plant – which I did – but now I have to keep them watered and alive. I’m unable to settle in for any reading. TV is too much racket. Newspapers just pile up and then go into the recycle bin.
“The newspapers hold their folded faces to the floor.” – Pink Floyd
I don’t have my job anymore. No responsibilities anymore.
I stressed out, stupidly, yesterday over a scheduled phone call from a nurse. Did not want a stranger calling me to check on my status. I need to tell them to fuck off and stop calling me.
I’m awake every night around 3am and then awake for good at daybreak. There’s nothing for me to fucking wake up for. Bored and boring. Exhausted but awake. Depressed again and planning (again).
I spent a while yesterday looking for a black widow spider so I could provoke it into biting me. Damned beasts are nocturnal so I couldn’t find one, but I know they are living around me. I know it wouldn’t kill me but at least I’d have a good reason to feel so bad. Why? Because my mind is in that place where I want something to happen and then I sit back and see where it takes me. Like the desire to OD and go to sleep and wait to see if I wake back up.
After so many drug trials I have an impressive collection of wee pills. Really – I just want to go to sleep. Life seems so pointless. Suffer, moan, and complain. Rinse. Repeat.
“Hush little baby, don’t say a word and nevermind that noise you heard. It’s just the beasts under your bed, in your closet, in your head. Exit light, enter night. We’re off to never, never land.” – Metallica